Today was a total waste of make-up. They say when you look good, you feel good…I suppose I can’t disagree But I wish you had laid eyes on me… Not just through a photograph like usual… what to do? Tell you how I feel?
Risk scaring you away? But either way, I either have you or I don’t, right? Wouldn’t it be better to know? Then if it’s not gonna happen I can @ least move along… I wish I knew…you’re so far away… and you’re time is filled, and I understand… But I miss you more then I feel like I should…I want you, and I want you to want me too… Not just in a carnal way, in a way that even though you’re gone, I would be comforted by the idea of you and me…together… You’ve been a bright spot, and I was dying for one of those…you captivated me enough to leave me wanting more… To explore the possibilities…because I really feel like they could be endless and glorious…if I’m sure of anything, it is that… I don’t want to wait in vain…life’s too short for that…I feel as if you feel something for me…you just can’t concentrate on the idea as much as I can right now… I’m afraid, but hopeful… and I’m really pretty today…but I guess you’ll never know…

I wanted it to be true… I wanted so much to believe in something again Have faith in faith itself… It was overwhelming enough a feeling to let it slip underneath me and knock me off my feet… And I barely even noticed myself falling until I hit the earth w/ a sickening thud… I lie there perfectly still Afraid if I move my bones will just begin to disintegrate And I’ll be blown into the wind like the ashes of a dead man… But I do have to move I have to eventually collect myself Get off the ground, rise up Even though all I want to do is lie back down And close my eyes and let the wind carry me away And just become particles in the air Sparkling brightly against the backdrop of the sky As they dissipate and disappear So softly and so quickly that no one even notices No one ever notices No matter how much I sparkle No matter how much brighter I am then the sun No matter how much I love myself No one loves me back Small pieces of me curse the fact that I was stupid enough to let this happen in the first place Haven’t I learned a thing? My internal voices scream at me… What the fuck did you think was gonna happen? Love is for suckers…Faith is for fools… Believing in anything is just a waste of precious resources And now all my resources are depleted again And I’m trying to decide whether or not it’s worth it to recuperate them… Maybe it’s just time to shut the whole operation down Operation faith…Total fail… Losses cut… Heart broke again far too fragile to put back together one more time… It’s not in the stars…how many times do I have to learn the same lesson?

I’m trying not to think about you too much…don’t wanna jinx it… Too bad, total fail…because you’re always in my head… We didn’t spend that much time together but the time we did spend was perfect and beautiful…and I want it more and more…it became like an instant addiction…and the withdrawal has already become too much… But it’ll be a while before I get my next fix… In fact the air will be cold and the days will be shorter… But I don’t care about any of that I just want to see your eyes on me again I just want to feel your hands braise across my skin Light but rough…electrical… I want to hear your breath in my ear, and your quiet voice whisper to me… I want to tell you goodnight, and then wake you in the morning with a kiss and a smile… I want to feel your energy and your warmth in my bed Next to me…you can be the little spoon…

Happy times :)

I’m filling my head w/ your music How did you know the most beautiful word to my ears was “playlist”? You must have read my mind… If you had then you’d know what this page is going to say… You’d know all the silly things I’m eager to reveal… You’d know what it means for me to put it in writing, to etch it onto the world wide web Where it can’t be erased and it can’t be forgotten…but then, you did ask me to remember… And of course I will, it’s the least I could do after the hours and hours of smiles that you are to blame for All smiles, all shapes and sizes… They came in all directions, full body smiles, the kind of smiles that when you think about them, it just, makes you smile… You made it seem effortless, that’s one of the things I like the most about you…you didn’t need to try at all… So unlike others, who spend their whole lives like they’re trying to win a daytime Emmy…you though, Your brooding nature, your quiet, your innocence…not to be mistaken for naivety…no, not at all… There is experience behind those dark eyes…it’s clear, it resonates all around you…and I can see how most people might miss it…but only because most people are too involved in themselves to ever want to learn about someone else…but I’ll take a lesson…I’m sure you could teach me a thing or two… About music, about electricity, karma…whatever knowledge you’re willing to offer me…I gratefully accept…I’ll read you like a book, And then I’ll read you again and again…you’ll be my favorite story… My favorite adaptation…of the most smile filled 48 hours I’ve yet to spend…

I’m not waiting for anyone today…I’m gonna make the day happen all by myself…
In fact, waiting for anyone is an epic bad idea…and under no circumstances am I gonna make that mistake again…
I got one day before the week from hell begins in T-Minus 20 hours….
Gonna try and have a little fun…

I’m always searching for something. I’m patient…but lately my patience is wearing thin… People disappoint me, and I try not to project my expectations in them, because inevitably, they’ll never measure up…but still, I’m waiting for someone to surprise me… I’m praying for it… Lighting candles for it… Gripping to the hope that someday that person will come along… Perhaps I need to lower my expectations…perhaps I need to simply put it out of my mind for a while… Sometimes when you stop looking, that’s when you find what you’d been searching for… After everything that’s happened, I still believe they’re out there somewhere… Whether or not I ever find them, that’s the real mystery… I feel like I’ve gone through enough to deserve the happiness I’m looking for… I feel like although I have wavered a bit along the way, I haven’t done anything that’s unforgivable…nothing that warrants such loneliness or suffering that I sometimes feel… It has taken a long time for me to be able to except myself…flaws and all… I’m not perfect, no one is… I’m not looking for perfection, I’m actually quite realistic… Just honesty, and loyalty and a little bit of laughter… Someone to be my big spoon… Someone who will kiss me when we wake up, regardless of my morning breath…someone who will take this journey w/ me…and hold my hand, and let me hold theirs. …And never let go

iPhone 4 :)